one last cry again...

was listening to one last cry last night on 1 song repeat again and again and again... such a sad yet beautiful song... somehow it almost forced the floodgates opened... but knowing me, they did not and now it feels horrible having all these emotions pent up inside me without anyway to release them... i think they all sort of rolled into a gigantic ball since the horrible breakup in feb with the last ex...

the song is playing on repeat again... woke up at around 11 something today and still feeling miserable... baby had to work on her projects today so we're not meeting up... i understand that she has to put her work in priority and its alright with me... but its just different... this relationship is so different from any that i have had in the past... firstly, we're not able to see one another often... the previous ones were with schoolmates or there was effort made to travel and be together almost every other day... so there's the time factor... we're both busy and there's nothing much we can do... think i only told nessa and jo this yesterday...

i have issues. i admit it. probably just skeletons in the closet or cobwebs that have not been cleared out... unresolved issues like claudia used to say... unable to get closure from the past... nowadays i'm just acting crazy and happy with my classmates to force myself to not think about the negative things... then when i come home i'm either online chatting with people or watching tv... shutting myself off again... schizoid relapse? don't think so... at least i'm talking to people... i nearly just wanted to walk away from everyone yesterday and go hide somewhere in the park but the rain was too heavy and the park was all wet... and i had junior with me so i didn't want to get wet and all... class was until late...

showed ms chuah my brochure design and bsides the "rivers of white" and the unorthodox fold method... it was alright... now i have to think of a way to get it printed in school... all attempts to transfer the 7mb pdf format file were futile so i will bring a usb printer cable to class and do a direct print after installing the printer software on my system...

watched boom town just now and one of the characters had terminal cancer... and he was talking abt top 10 benefits of having a terminal illness... or something like that... he bought a jag xk8 convertible coz of tat... if i had terminal cancer or something... what would i do? or what can i do? nothing really coz i'm all broke... but then again pain or death is never really that far away... i clamped my finger by the joint between my sister's laptop cover's latch... the pain was there but it didn't really mean anything... it was just signals my brain was receiving telling me that something is hurting me and to get my finger out of there quick...

read the paper life section... this nice apartment at teresa ville... with the mt faber view... i'd want to have my family in a place like that... i wan to have a son who will bring his gf back home for dinner... i wan to have him drive me around after i teach him how to drive... but will i ever stay sane enough to get there? think i'll go write the sequel to "first puff"...