Dear God,

I know you are listening, but I don't think I can speak about what's going wrong with me. I know there's something eating away inside me and I have refused to go face it and fight it. Tania has told me that I should let you back into my heart and fill up the void. At least that's what I think she's been trying to tell me. Its difficult for me to accept things that I cannot see or feel.

I remember I spoke to you before, when I was feeling real down. I also remember asking for your help when I saw my dad on his death bed, unable to recognise his own wife and children. Then I got lost again. I remember how I cried at church that night. I remember how comfortable I felt in the serenity of the church. I also remember how much pain I've felt these few years.

I know I'm a spoilt brat and all when I don't get the stuff that I want. I know I'm bitter about the past because of the betrayal and the lies that I've had to suffer from. I know I have unresolved issues with my dad's passing on. I know I've ruined myself by over controlling my emotions, to the point that I just laugh at everything and block everything else.

I was sitting in the canteen with the others yesterday. It was so noisy. I just wanted to get away from all the noise, and hear the final silence. I couldn't stand the noise. I just wanted to leave everything and disappear. I couldn't because I know I have work to be done.

I think I saw your messages, those television commercials about depression. I also had the strangest dream last night. I was a slave and being tortured. I think that might be me telling myself that I'm a slave to my own doings. Maybe it was you who was trying to tell me that.

I accept my own punishment for my sins. I accept having to feel all miserable for all that I'm putting myself into. I'm not sure how you do what you do, nor why you do what you do. I don't even know what you want me to do. I am trying to resolve the issues that I have. I do not want to accept help from other people because I know I can fix things myself. I know that after what I've been through, I can get on even furthur with what I've learnt.

I like to help others but I can't help myself. I can listen and offer advice and answers to other people's problems, but never to myself. I don't want to be jaded anymore. I want to have faith in love again. I want to love my family, my friends, you and myself again.

So I'm writing this hoping that you do have the internet up there. I'm asking for something again. Please forgive me for being myself, my blasphemous words, my sinful acts, and whatever I've done. I pray that you'll give me peace inside, so that I can hear my own words, and you, again. Please allow me that.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Lennel