love? actually...

ok... yes i drank a little rum... wat's left anyway... its less than 1 shot... but here's something to talk about...

i was out with ame, cher, pet to take photos... but remembered there's nothing to take on weekends coz the offices are empty and the lights are not pretty... anyway... we went to talk to monica's dad for their project and ended up having free dinner at monica dad's restaurant... fantastic north indian cuisine... then they left and i went to take some night shots...

so there i was walking alone with a tripod and camera and taking photos... did fullerton, ACM, the new art house at parliament, supreme court... and then i decided to go to fort canning to take some more before heading home...

when i got there... i heard some really loud talking... then i walked up and found there was an fair held by the british council... most of the stalls have closed but there was a crowd there still... and they were screening "love actually" on this huge screen on the lawn and there were so many people watching... i guess the show was on for quite a while already... they were at the part where that fella was buying jewelry from rowan atkinson... so i stayed and watched the show... occasionally looking at the countless couples snuggling up on the lawn...

i caught that part that touched me the most... the part where the guy confesses to keira knightly that he loved her... it touched me the first time i watched it... and it still affected me so much tonight... then i thought... if there was someone i'd want to confess to now... who would i confess to? or did i have anyone to confess to now?

so tonight.. i will confess my love right here...

the girlfriends

Geraldine
My first girlfriend... geri... i loved you with all my heart when we were together... it hurt when you had to leave... and my loneliness got the better of me... and i'm so thankful that you were magnanimous enough to forgive me... every single thought that we had together about spending the rest of our lives with one another was true... but my insecurities got the better of me in the end... i'm sorry it had to end just because i wanted to try and live another life... i pray that everything goes well for you now... i'll always be here if you need me...

Caiying
2nd girlfriend... like you said... it wasn't the right time... it wasn't the right time because we were both recovering from a relationship... mine perhaps a little worse than yours... i probably wasn't ready to put everything into a relationship again... dealing with the last one before you was really tiring... i'm sorry too for having to end it... i'm glad for you that your work is working out now... i do hope everything goes well for you...

the crushes

leona
she was my secondary school classmate's girlfriend... i never thought that she was attractive in the first place... she wore specs and was always covered under her MGS uniform... then i heard her voice... i've always had this thing for sexy husky voices... and she had the most alluring voice i've heard so far (then)... then i started to talk to her on the phone at night... for hours and hours... behind his back... we shared so many things in common... he didn't know that we were chatting so closely at all... whenever we went out in a group... they were always so close... and i felt so miserable... especially when he showed off the love bites and all... and i was feeling so upset during that period... then one day another classmate of mine told her to choose... and she chose him... shattered as i was... i held on those feelings for her for a good 3 years... then she left for the US and i never heard from her again...

claudia
she was a classmate back in jc... i always thought that she was the sophisticated and untouchable one... then a few years after jc... we sort of started chatting again online... that was after i started to opening up more... i thought i had something for her... it was always a great feeling to be around her... i was working then so i guess i just gave her my attention since i was trying to forget the bastard ex-bf of mine... the whole closeness i had gave me the feeling that i was having a crush on her... and that she was accepting me... i often bought her flowers... gifts... and organised a nice little birthday dinner for her... she appreciated all that i did... but i guess i'm not the type of guy that she wants and needs... so close friend is still good enough for me...

v
definitely just a crush... coz i just felt so happy with her around... then it just started to fade away when the new semester started... i fall for people way too easily...


as for the boyfriends? well they weren't so much relationships that dealt with love more than lust and the need for companionship... especially after the bastard exbf of mine... i have been really afraid to get into anything serious with guys... dating is all fine for me.. but to commit that much again with a guy is too tiring for me... the last 2 guys that i thought i could commit again with... ryan and sean... all ended up being wrong decisions... one is a boy who did not know what he wanted... one was too nonchalant to even end the damn thing... so i don't care anymore... i don't want to get into another gay relationship...

neither do i want to be alone... i do want someone to be with... but i am so afraid of not being able to give everything to that person... bsides... the girls i have around me are either those listed above... or little kiddies who call me "ah gong"... like i have a choice... haha... i hate to be alone coz when i am i just start to get all sad and depressive... so i juz try to surround myself with my classmates as much as i could...

so there i was watching love actually alone tonight... feeling all lonely because everyone else had someone in their arms... even the single guys have a friend with them... and i just felt that i wanted to have someone but at the same time i'm getting too accustomed to being by myself... then i started to crave for a beer... haha...and i was so inspired to write this... so wanted to get it all out... so wanting to write huge cards and confess to someone that "i love you"... because i just don't know who i can say those 3 words to again...

the last scene of the show... where pple were hugging and kissing their loved ones... u'll never see that in singapore... not anywhere on this island... coz we are just frigid... no one dares to show their feelings coz we're all too fucking oriental... all too fucking frigid... yes frigid... coz we all are... we all lack love because we don't express it... and we don't feel it... this island is too cold and frigid...

love that word... frigid!

yes leave ur comments below... pls nothing about god's love... its too surreal a concept for me to accept now...