overwhelming

i suddenly have this overwhelming sense of sadness... almost on the brink of depression... horrible horrible feeling...

i basically have no capacity left to find someone to love... i've completely blocked off the possibility of finding some guy that i can fall in love with... and its almost impossible to find some girl to be in love with... its scary how an incident in life can scar someone so bad... i am starting to feel that there is nothing left in life for me than to make money and spent it all on myself...

which brings me to the 2nd dilemma... was offered some money to do work over the weekend... but its mum's off day and we're supposed to go visit my cousin who isn't feeling well... so i had to turn it down... i juz feel so much sadness that i cant make that 120bucks... and i'm trying to rationalise why i had to turn it down... between trying to make myself feel better and not be too bogged down by money...

all i can think about these days is to move house and have my own room... how i will decorate my own room... a place i can shut myself off completely... maybe have friends (if they are not spending time with their own bfs/gfs) over to chill out... but its so fucking far away.... so fucking impossible at this point... and its realli depressing... coz i'm getting more and more frustrated about the sad state of affairs that i was "born" into...

which brings back to why i'm choosing to be single.. and probably will stay single... does that mean that i will never get married since i'm a commitment phobic? and how can i satisfy my need for companionship then? will i drift around from lover to lover... never ever finding the one to settle down once and for all? and eventually die alone... if u believe in palmistry... my lifeline looks shorter and shorter each time i see it... haha... as for the heart line that deals with relationships... it splits into 2 lines... and 1 juz cuts short and stops... am i on that path alreadi?

i want to get that scholarship to study overseas... so i can get away from here...

oh look.. its past 8000 hits... and i wonder who still reads this...