in a drunken stupor

"my shattered dreams and broken heart are mending on the shelf..."

how true how true... exactly how they are right now... and its not like i'm not ready to move on or anything like that... its just that i have moved on... but i can't seem to let it go... its just stupid isn't it... fuck it realli... after that bastard of a boyfriend... i just can't seem to reconcile with myself on this issue... on one hand i so want to get into a serious relationship and be committed to it... on the other i find it all a huge burden... something that i cannot put on my shoulders again... i find persons that i want to take care of... people who i think i can be comfortable with... and they just take me on a ride and tell me... or in other unspoken ways... show me that we're not supposed to be... and most of the time... they're scorpios... haha... its always that undefinable, mystical link that's working on my mind... fuck it you know... fuck it all... so what do i do? whine alot and get some attention... sucks shit but what to do? i need attention and this is how i get it... haha... be a whiney idiot and wait for sympathy... someone asked me to be his "dear" today... and i just had to give him an outright "no"... its just not going to happen again... never... khimmy asked me again the other night when we were on the phone... and i told him "can't, not now"... i hope they understand... but then again.. i never did explain in full... there's a huge hole somewhere and its no one can plug it up...(yes i can see tania thinking "God can fill up that void there." heard it already ok?)

"while the sun shines on you, i need some love to rain on me..."

i don't really get drunk... drunk to me is to loose consciousness... cannot walk in a straight line... and cannot drive... right now i am conscious... i can definitely walk in a straight line... and i did drive a little just now... my kind fren let me drive his uncle's benz... its sooo powerful and so smooth... beautiful i tell you... but back to my whining.... I AM NOT DRUNK! i admit i might have a minor drinking issue... well it started in NS... when i was with the fucking bastard ex of mine... everytime we fight... i get upset... i give in to him... and i turn to drinking... that instantly perks me up and life carries on... it works! but for kiddoes out there... dun hor... dun start... those going NS or in NS... dun start coz there's plenty of cheap beer to tempt you.. seriously...

"i've got to put you out of my mind for the very last time..."

no reward for guessing what song i'm listening to right now... hahaha

for the records... not in chronological order

1st girlfriend... geraldine aka geri... she's a wonderful girl... and she still is... it was my stupidity and selfishness that ended the relationship... if it didn't end... maybe we'd still be together... maybe not... but somehow i guess if we were still together... life would be much different for both of us...

2nd girlfriend... caiying... we got together when we were both at our most vulnerable... there was already attraction during our jc days... i guess we just had to live it out or the tension would still be there... probably up till today... but we got together at the wrong time... our work commitments soon overtook our commitment to one another... guess it just wasn't the right time... i still hope that she's well taken care of...

1st bf... ray... back when i was much younger and less wise... such a strong soul... it was him taking care of me instead of i taking care of him... especially when i can see that he needs it more than i do... he's the sweetest person i've ever been with... and he still remembers the sweetest things that went on... i feel the most guilt for not giving him all that i can give... if there's anything at all that i can do for him... i definitely will... cause i owe him too much...

2nd bf... xinwei... short relationship... cutest guy... sweet boy that i so wanted to "father"... but i guess it just didn't go the way it did... so there...

3rd bf... mezraq... the bastard bf as per mentioned before... i gave up so much... i gave in so much... i literally changed my lifestyle... and my life... just for him... partly because of my greed for a better life... which he so promised... and lied about thereafter... but i admit i also put in all my emotional strength into the relationship... and it really drained me... every single drop of my being... and the day i found out that everything was a lie... and my everything was betrayed... i lost it all... it didn't matter what he's given me... coz they're all material... they will all spoil or decompose and everything will be gone... but all that i've given him cannot be returned... and till this day... they're not found yet...

the 3 girls that i've really liked but was not fated to be with...

leona... while in secondary school... she was my classmate's girlfriend... we just clicked... night s and nights of talk proved that we had something special between our minds... she's intelligent... funny... sexy... everything that i had wanted at that point in time... and she probably still is... but she made her choice and nothing i can do to change that...

claudia... jc classmate... but never really dared to like her till last year... she's intelligent, witty, sensual, sophisticated, spiritual... the type that i'd like to be the mother of my children... but i wasn't the type to be the father of hers... but she's still a dear friend... and will always be... she's welcomed to stay in my garage anytime...

*****, she probably knows who she is... and so do some people... a breathe of fresh air... a joy to be with... of course... she's intelligent as well... i'd like to label her "the sunshine"... coz that's how she is.... just brightens up your day with a smile... not that i know her that well... but i guess it never will be... so i'm goin to have to put her on the list of "cannot-gets"... but i guess i will just watch over her... just to make sure she's not hurt in anyway... and if she does... i juz hope to be the mattress (albeit a thin one) to help cushion the fall... just some simple hopes...

have i said too much?
wouldn't it be good to just wake up and forget it all?
or just forget it all?
forget about the waking up too.

i just told kenji today again... my suicide story

once when i was fighting with my bastard ex over the phone... while i was in brunei... and he refused to answer my call... and i got real fucked... so when he finally called... i took out my prescriptive anti-depressants and swallowed all 11 of it... that would be 11 times more than the prescribed dosage... and i told him that i did that... coz he alwez claims he swallowed panadol to attempt suicide... and he panicked... and then he kept apologising and asked me to go see a doctor... and i refused... and i said something to him before i switched off my phone... ok... this part might be blurry coz the drugs were taking effect alreadi... then i told my colleagues wat i did.. and i'm going to sleep... and sleep i did.. all through the day and night... in that dreamless sleep... that dreamless sleep which is likened to death... it was the most peaceful i've been in the longest of times... coz while i was with him.. i was filled to the brim with anger... and i did eventually wake up... like 15 hours later the next day... too bad i can't get those drugs now... i sure need it again...

that's what i need to do now...
wipe it all off.... start with a clean slate...
but there are just some stuff that have been etched so deeply on it...
some stuff that can never be wiped off that easily...
oh stop being so fucking drama lennel
you just want fucking attention
stop being an asshole
you're doing it right now!
so is it right to do this at all?
i shall retire now