aftereffects

ok... its starting to sink in now... i guess its not the fact that i've broken up... but more of the fact that i don't have any idea what i want to do now with life... well its a mutual "move on" rather than a break up... we both understood that we weren't able to put in enough time to work on the relationship... so the best option is to go back to being friends... the most "adult" relationship that i've had so far...

i'm so swamped with work these days and its taking its toll on my emotions and physical health... i've been rushing like hell to do my website assignment... wanted to really do a fantastic site that's like a mock car magazine site and its getting more and more complicated... with all the javascripts and all... its hell... and i'm only half done... i have 2 more pages to go and also have to do testing on multiple platforms before its done... then i have to wait for the rest of the group to send me their sites so i can integrate them all together into one... i have no idea how long more they'll have to take to finish their works...

wrote 2 articles today for ame to put into the newsletter project... which is due this friday... along with our media and society essay... at least they are getting done soon...

i so want to just disappear for a while... cause i'm just starting to shut myself off again... i guess i do that often... that's where this blog comes into play... talking to myself helps a little i guess... maybe i'm more suited for the brooding moods... more productive when i'm brooding the hell out of my skull... good...

i shall have to finish my website preferably by tomorrow... then i can start on my graphics design fundamentals ad campaign... i hope my c_juices dun run out... or my brain just burns itself out...

migraine-d

ok... been getting swamped with work so have not had the chance to update the blog again... so here's goes...

friday: stayed over at ness' place to try and finish up the media and society group project... managed to complete 90% of it all... so there... stayed up till 3am... was as usual a little depressive so i took some of the wine in the fridge... ended up singing at 2am in the morning to this supposed gay friend of joanna (who came over near midnight because she didn't want to stay over at suhaila's place. bsides she finished her work already)... ness was losing her voice... jo was hungry... marilyn was fixing her destroyed blog... so i cooked noodles and soup and watever...then i shooed the girls upstairs at 3a to the 2nd floor to sleep while i slept on the couch... thankfully prince the pants destroyer did not disturb me at all... or i'd have had him for breakfast...

saturday: woke up at around 6 coz ness' maid woke up already... so there i was lying like a corpse downstairs while her maid happily goes around with her chores... cleaning up stuff... watering the plant... getting the papers... then i finally woke up at 10... i was the 1st up... so i went to wash up and packed up the network and put stuff back where they were supposed to be... then jo woke up... then marilyn and finally ness did... watched cartoons... ate luncheon meat sandwiches... drank coffee (a big no-no if you know what i'm like on caffeine)... then marilyn left... then i left with jo... came back home... ate... showered... watched tv... then tania came over to do some work... we ended up watching will and grace... laughing our heads off... taught her how to rip off a website to recreate into her own... finally by 11... i collapsed in fatigue...

sunday: woke up late... did work... edited the med soc paper and added in the footnotes... did the journalism IWA proposal... bla bla bla... slept alot... coz was very tired for no reason...

today: damn tired... damn grouchy... got my ess gra paper back... got a B+... fair enuff... started having a migraine during ess gra tutorial... took dunno wat pills ame had and the migraine didn't go away... then she told me sum stuff that rather shocked me... made me very uncomfortable with the state of affairs... rather made me a little sick... tat's how i get when i'm upset...

now: just asked caiying what she thought of our relationship... we both agreed there's something wrong... not enough time for one another... and its causing us to drift apart... guess you might want to know what's the outcome of the talk?


STATEMENT to be made:
We only live so long.
Why should we judge others by our standards?
Why can't people just do what makes them happy, without having to think about what others will think about them?

i am going to hell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

stuff

am at nessa's place now finishing our medsoc group project... damn tired...

we took this neoprint yesterday after school... i look horrid...


i went to get a haircut today... quite alright... now i need to gel my hair everyday... sad...

communications breakdown

having a headache now... on the temples... tired i guess...

i back to taking melatonin again cause i'm getting problematic sleep again...

today stayed back to attend the CMM Interest group meeting... i'm understudying the vice prez till next year... i hope...

anyway... since last week, the gastric problem is acting up again... been feeling nauseas everytime again... hate it... i think i'll go see a chinese physician to get it fixed up this time round... hope it will be effective...

i think i have problems with baby... we're all so busy that we don't have time for one another... none to meet up... even less to communicate... maybe priorities are wrong... and she's having a camp this weekend so i won't see her for another week... i dunno what to do... its a real problem... i think...

tired mind... tired heart...

havent been updating religiously as usual cuz was way too busy with work in school... well here's the gist of what has been going on the past 3 days...

sunday... met up with tania in the early afternoon... worked on website for ess gra project at spinelli's then went to united square for dinner at noodle hut and snack at ya kun... went for a walk and talked... went to autobahn to look at cars... there were 2 porsche 911s parked outside so i COURAGEOUSLY went to touch a beautiful 996 Carrera... absolutely heavenly experience...

the most AMAZING thing happened... we discovered a livejournal... one with such controversial entries it has sparked off a civil war of sorts in our class... i was also mentioned in the page so i am definitely on the side of the others... there was even a confrontation by one of the victims of the vicious comments... we have started a mini campaign to raise awareness... click on the ARF! logo to view the page in concern...

today went to vanessa's place to do project... poor girl was ill... so tania and i took turns to sponge her down with ice water... tania even boiled barley and antelope's horn drink for her to drink... we managed to push her temperature down from 38.4 to 36.0 within a few hours... poor girl was squealing when we were cooling her down with the ice water... brought my network there and tried to teach a little dreamweaver and imageready to the gurls... i wonder if it were of any help to them...

am talking to james now on the phone... he's screaming at me asking me why i have not talked to him and why he is not mentioned in this blog... HERE! hahaha... will have to help him with designing a blog for him...

wrote this poem recently...


Nightmares
Woke up in the night
Strangled by spiteful lover.
Waiting for closure.

berfdae

alright... its the 23rd year... and a real low key day it has been...

was all rainy and gloomy the whole morning... so lazy lazy... did some web designing for the project again... ate a little... mummy gave a token angbao... went to meet baby and watched "pirates of the caribbean"... came home... ate dinner... sent her to the bus stop... came home and ate some more stuff... sis was so sweet, went to get a mango mousse cake-let from breadtalk and stuck a little candle in it... :)

lar di da

ok... finally submitted my medsoc (very badly written) and GDF brochure(rather well done i must say)... 2 loads off my mind...

mr D's sister Ranji came in to give a marketing talk this morning... and she was real nice, real funny (definitely has got same humour genes)... she brought some gifts along for those who answered questions... well before the lecture started... i was telling nessa and tania abt the audi slogan, vorsprung durch technik... but i din noe if they changed it coz the ads were from quite some time back... and guess what.. the first qn was just tat... but someone answered it as "audi is selling a lifestyle" and i was like HUH? if u dun noe ur cars, dun pretend to know... 2nd qn was wat is quattro and tat i answered 4WD system and got a bright red cap... very nice quality...

well during the break we did some discussions and started on our marketing plan... its gonna have to be done real fast i think... we're gonna have to "interview" pple for our journalism stuff... tat i'll do tomoro coz i have no intention of working on my BIRTHDAY... for those who have wished or celebrated in anyway or another.. thank u very much... :)

for GDF we have to come up with a whole ad campaign soon... like 4 ads and 1 advertorial... i've already gotten the idea down... just have to do it... that will come next week probably...

for ess gra we have started on our joint project for the individual projects... we're going to spoof an entire media company... Mediacrap Singapore... i'll have to design the main site plus one of the stations... if this doesn't get a Z... i dunno what will...

les miserable

another tiring tiring day...

went to lecture this morning and was SHOCKED by ms chuah's powerpoint presentation... she featured this united colours of benetton ad with bare nether regions... in all shapes and sizes... not that i've never seen any of them... but its shocking that she showed it to the innocent little girls and boys... how's that for a start?

then med soc tutorial we did on CRC recommendations for censorship reforms... more sex sex sex and violence...

after which we all went for lunch at macs... me, nessa, tania, jolene, joanna, marilyn and ame... then ame went to meet her fren... so the rest of us went to nessa's place again and plonked down to do some work... her poor maid had to iron our outfits for us coz we needed to do our work... the gurls actually wanted to stuff all the ironing work to me but i had to start on my medsoc article... so i did...

then went back to sch at 5 in all formal attire for business sch AGM and investiture for the Interest groups... i just joined it yesterday... and today i'm the committee member... how funny eh? now we're just planning what positions to understudy for... that's efficiency for you... so if i want to understudy under a guy.. there's only vice president left... and i'm the only guy in our batch of committee members... so how's that? lennel the vice prez... i'd rather have a less important role...

good day

ok now here's how the day went...

went to school all tired in my formal outfit and brought my night time outfit along... had marketing tutorials and came up with some reallly nice advert ideas... fun fun fun...

then went to lecture...

then went for the VIP visit... Minister of state Chan Soon Sen came with GEN Lim Chuan Poh to visit TP... opened the door... froze in the cold studio...

and here's the best part... went to esplanade to watch Forbidden City with nessa, tania, joanna and jolene... i'd say its a damn good show... mr toh thinks its bad but we all thought it was fantastic... love it love it love it love it love it... we bought the CD and we're all going to learn the songs... yippeee...

finished my brochures... quite roughly done...

very sleepy now... have to go rest... then going to have to work on my medsoc paper and finish it by tomorrow... if i don't i'll die...

surprised!

hey people! i am so happy.

went to vanessa's place today after lecture today for makans with tania, marilyn, ame, joanna and alvin. we had spaghetti and nuggets and drinks... well i had red wine and the kids had coke and tea... then TADA! they popped out a birthday cake... tiramisu!... and they got me a bone shaped plush squeezy pillow thing filled with microsized styrofoam pellets... very squishy... and ame got me a nice glass... so touched... they bothered...

then went back to school wif tania and vanessa for the ambassadors meeting... i'll be holding the door for chan soon sen and gen lim chuan poh tomorrow... just like NS again... have to be in formal attire.. .then have to be in nice attire for forbidden city tomoro night... we havent gotten the tickets yet though.... so tania me and nessa stayed and finished out brochures till 10 and i took a cab back home... so i'm pretty tired today...

but it was a nice day... :)

i'm a bitch

alright... i've been acting like a bitch... so sez the gurls in class... my emotions are running erratic again... dunno why...

tania came over to my place last night to do her brochure... i appreciated her company... was getting all depressive without anyone around... so i guess its good... we did do some work for her brochure design... ripped off the absolut hunk advert from sex and the city and turned it into absolut rugby... very provocative... hope ms chuah doesnt drool over it... then i drank my cognac and soda and she had a peach/orange vodka juice thing... its nice to have company...

tried to print my brochure out today... asked mr toh about the printer in sch... quite alright... printed out a copy but the resolution isn't that good... will have to try again tomorrow to get the final copy done so i won't rush it the day before...

bought conqueror paper... was supposed to have shared it with vanessa and ame... they both paid 2 bucks... but everyone wants a piece now... to not screw myself up, i'll pay them both back and give to whoever else needs... be the samaritan, not the bitch... yea...

started a little on my medsoc paper... will have to finish it by thursday night... hopefully i can... i don't want to rush it and get it crapped up... think it will be enuff words... just need to be careful how i structure the paper... i am emotionally handicapped now... right...

stupid headphone has got right side louder than left... either that or i'm deaf in one ear...

i want to shave my head... i'll go for a haircut tomorrow... i think

my knees are hurting.. they creak like old doors... and they hurt... maybe i should just dislocate them... then i don't have to pursue my porsche dream anymore...

i'm doubting my feelings for everything... i think i might have burnt out already... i just want to distance myself from everyone again... that way no one has to care...


I don't wanna die,
But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I'm preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I've arrived, I can see myself coming.

- Feel, Robbie Williams


songs are the poetry of this generation...

morning stuff

you were still sleeping. your breathing was deep and slow. it was the sort of sound that calms a person down. you moved a little and slid arm over his tummy. you didn't care that the sun was starting to creep into the room through the curtains.

she was still sleeping with her head on his chest. he had his left arm around her shoulder. he drew her closer to him. she started to wake up. her left eye slowly opened, strained by the early morning sunlight. she looked up to see his face. she felt your arm next to hers.

you moved when you felt her. so did he. he opened his eyes and looked at her. he then looked at you. he put his right arm around you and pulled you closer. he hugged you and her. she kissed you on the forehead and kissed his chest. you reached over and brushed your finger across her cheek. you rubbed his tummy. he let out a sigh.

one last cry again...

was listening to one last cry last night on 1 song repeat again and again and again... such a sad yet beautiful song... somehow it almost forced the floodgates opened... but knowing me, they did not and now it feels horrible having all these emotions pent up inside me without anyway to release them... i think they all sort of rolled into a gigantic ball since the horrible breakup in feb with the last ex...

the song is playing on repeat again... woke up at around 11 something today and still feeling miserable... baby had to work on her projects today so we're not meeting up... i understand that she has to put her work in priority and its alright with me... but its just different... this relationship is so different from any that i have had in the past... firstly, we're not able to see one another often... the previous ones were with schoolmates or there was effort made to travel and be together almost every other day... so there's the time factor... we're both busy and there's nothing much we can do... think i only told nessa and jo this yesterday...

i have issues. i admit it. probably just skeletons in the closet or cobwebs that have not been cleared out... unresolved issues like claudia used to say... unable to get closure from the past... nowadays i'm just acting crazy and happy with my classmates to force myself to not think about the negative things... then when i come home i'm either online chatting with people or watching tv... shutting myself off again... schizoid relapse? don't think so... at least i'm talking to people... i nearly just wanted to walk away from everyone yesterday and go hide somewhere in the park but the rain was too heavy and the park was all wet... and i had junior with me so i didn't want to get wet and all... class was until late...

showed ms chuah my brochure design and bsides the "rivers of white" and the unorthodox fold method... it was alright... now i have to think of a way to get it printed in school... all attempts to transfer the 7mb pdf format file were futile so i will bring a usb printer cable to class and do a direct print after installing the printer software on my system...

watched boom town just now and one of the characters had terminal cancer... and he was talking abt top 10 benefits of having a terminal illness... or something like that... he bought a jag xk8 convertible coz of tat... if i had terminal cancer or something... what would i do? or what can i do? nothing really coz i'm all broke... but then again pain or death is never really that far away... i clamped my finger by the joint between my sister's laptop cover's latch... the pain was there but it didn't really mean anything... it was just signals my brain was receiving telling me that something is hurting me and to get my finger out of there quick...

read the paper life section... this nice apartment at teresa ville... with the mt faber view... i'd want to have my family in a place like that... i wan to have a son who will bring his gf back home for dinner... i wan to have him drive me around after i teach him how to drive... but will i ever stay sane enough to get there? think i'll go write the sequel to "first puff"...

one last cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

Cry......

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

the aftermath

ok...this food poisoning incident has totally screwed up my insides... outside in... inside out... its still making noises periodically now and then... it doesn't hurt that much nor do i have to vomit anymore but it still sucks... appetite is slowly coming back but i don't dare to eat anything much or else it'll work up again and i don't want to go through the whole thing again... time to time my face even gets numb... poor circulation and all... sucks... so that's the highlight of my study break... major food poisoning... wow!

finished my ess gra paper on sunday and submitted it today... first in line... oh and i got a B+ for journalism... that is like 2nd highest in class... marilyn as usual got her A again... just don't know how she does it...

anyway, to keep track... i will post all my results in a little table somewhere here... if u wan to laff at it, please go ahead... its for my reference actually coz if i just dumped everything on junior, i won't bother to look at it again...

food poisoning

ok.. finally able to blog this down...

met up with terrence to go turf city to look at some antique gramophone and radios... had dinner there and i had this soup stuff... saw energy in concert there (they were 1hr 30 minutes late)... nice evening... our picture is now on the right side of the page...took a while before we ever took any picture together... i think its the first!

THEN TERROR STRUCK! i got major food poisoning yesterday... vomitted and had diarrhoea the whole day non stop... must have been in the loo at least 10 times... managed to see a doctor at night and finally settled down a little.... those stupid clinics downstairs shud open on saturday afternooons... how can all of them be closed at the same time... idiots... i didn't get to eat at all coz anything i eat will end up getting thrown up within minutes... was all ill and weak... baby came over to keep me company... but i was more like watching me nap... i love baby... she also took me to the doctor... aunt at home wasn't of much help at all... told her i was sick but she just went "orh"... at least she bothered to go down and get lunch for me... which i couldn't eat... had a fever of 37.5deg from the afternoon till night... was puking and broke out into cold sweat... then fever and sweated some more... well its the first time i had food poisoning... that night will be the first and last time i'll ever eat the "mixed pork stuff" soup... never ever ever will i eat it again... trust me...

still trying to complete the ess gra term paper... having some doubts abt the flow of the paper though... will have to find 1 more book to reference it to... and need to do the designing today... hope i'll complete it tomoro... but happy thing is i got an A for our group logo design... thanks to my sister for giving me the idea of the logo... yay

carebear stare!

	Friend Bear You are everyone's ideal friend because you are sincere and genuinely kind. Sometimes you worry about your friends' problems so much, you forget about your own responsibilities, which can get you into trouble. For you, it's the little things that really count. You also happen to be the main driver of the Cloud Car. No speeding!
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

class outing

dragged myself out of bed this morning at 830 becoz we are having a class outing... din really wan to go coz was so sleepy and all... so then eventually i did get up and got out of bed... took 131 then 36 and reached marine parade around 10... so the invitation went out and only about 5 of us eventually turned up at 10... me, tania (organiser), vanessa (coz tania wld kill her if she din go), joanna (ditto) and ah beng... the rest either weren't awake yet or couldn't make it... but all's fine... we went to the beach and had loads of fun... jolene, bernard and iskandar eventually came by after 1pm...

i'm telling you i have not exercised this much since... orientation day... but i felt great... not that i'm going to play sports from now on, but i think i'll move a little more than usual...

interesting event: there were these sec sch guys... think all indians... who were swimming at the beach... in their undies... yeercks... horrid... well the others were rather tickled... and we all tried to take pics wif our cameras... 3 in total.. here's a sample...



here are some of the pictures that we took wif my camera...


the whole group that turned up... autotimer style...
isk, bernard, ahbeng, joanna, nessa, jolene, tania, me in front


here's our little picnic basket... err... plastic bags...


goodfellas... bernard, iskandar, alvin, moi


tania and jolene...


i love the beach... the beach...


see how cruel these pple are... nessa and jolene are going into fits and joanna/tania can only laugh... evil... tsk tsk tsk

i am NOT jealous

Results of Your Jealousy Test
Your score = 25

What does your score mean?

Most people experience a certain amount of fear that their loved one could leave them for someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. You fit right into this usual range - certain situations may spark feelings of jealousy, but generally you are not preoccupied with the fear of losing your partner. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to recognize the possibility of losing your partner to someone else, but not be consumed by it. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be as sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem and dignity intact. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only fish in the sea, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

grp work?

went for grp meeting today with the rest... last minute ame was ill (poor girl)... bin bin was caught up with some piano lesson last minute but din call to let me know at all... and the other 2 were late... bad bad... so we went to esplanade lib to do some work... discussed a little... then i worked on my brochure design... then nessa's little btrfly(g4 powerbook 12") threw tantrums... and we chatted (me and the laptop)

here's what i wrote to btrfly:
Hello butterfly.
This is lennel here.
Please cooperate so that I can prove her wrong.
We are trying to find out why you are ill. Can you please tell me?
Do I need to turn on the speech for you to talk or could you just type in the answer after this?

Ok. Since you do not wish to reply, i'll just have to keep on typing to see if the problem crops up again. So here we are sitting in the esplanade library trying to figure you out. How'd you like that? She's laughing as your microphone should have picked up by now. She wants to bring you to the apple centre for them to check you out but I'm just trying to prove that it is something wrong with her, not you. So far so good. Marilyn is peeing downstairs now. We'd rather focus on you for now. Feeling alright? Nothing wrong right? You are ok. Smile! =)

The sun isn't shining today. Its pretty cool out there. We'll go on a walk later on. We'll just go to funan in case you have a problem. I think you are fine. You are a good girl, right? I'm still right. Hahaha. =)

am i clinically insane?

got results for my med soc test... B+ and i lost to him... damn... i was expecting an A... shall wait for the test papers to be released then i'll hound ms chuah till she relents and upgrade it to an A... i wonder if it works with her... she keeps giving me B+... dun i look like A class quality?

waiting for the stupid system

woke up early today to sign up for the Cross Disciplinary Subjects classes for next semester... hope to either do french, jap or psychology for the subjects... think i'll do 1 sub per sem...

anyway, i finished my journalism article just 2 nights ago... didn't do much interviewing so just "anyhow whack the bloody bugger" and finished it... managed to stick within the 20-25 words per para limit for most parts of the article...

the 2 headaches i have now are my medsoc essay for the group project and also my individual ess. gfx s/w term paper... have no idea watsoever how to write either one... just blocked out of my head... maybe i'll write about me!... i wonder if albert will take that...

*switched browser to check whether CDS site is up... no*

going to watch movies with baby later on... going to catch LXG and Down with love... hmm my hair is getting long... maybe i'll try to get david tao's length... he looks much better these days... tomorrow meeting up for grp discussion and i haven't even gotten my history part written yet... the girls have done so much research but its all not getting into my head... die...

*checked on the CDS site again... not working still*

ergh... anyway my 3rd uncle and aunt are here from batam and he's chain smoking the lungs and eyes out of me... it hurts... the only person i'll tolerate smoking in my apartment is my granny...

anyway... i adapted the main page of the Absolut Vodka website into a wallpaper thats 1024x768 pixels... if anyone wants it, can email me...