the beginning of the end... day one...

today was the first of the 3 papers that i have to sit for... just moments before i woke up...
i could see all the notes float past my eyes... somehow all the reading made sense for
that few fleeting moments... then when i fully woken up.. it was gone again... *pfft*

anyway... was supposed to meet marilyn in sch to revise a little before the paper...
time was set at 10am but i woke up at 8 instead... and dilly dallied till arnd 930...
by the time i reached sch... they had already went thru so much without me... haha...
well... juz marilyn n nessa anyway...

so we did the paper at 2... was alright i guess... have already made 2 ridiculously careless
mistakes... so some points are already gone... i really hope that this paper will get an A
so that my overall grade can be pushed up to an A- or at least maintain a B+...

found out the results for the coursework for ess. gra, med soc and marketing today...
ess gra overall coursework results got an A... tats 93% i think if i din read the page wrongly...
med soc i got a B+... so have to get a high A for the exam to push it up to an A...
marketing i got an A... so have to maintain the A for the exam...
i wonder if i'll be able to pull it off...

so after the exam... we were in a minor celebratory mood... and we were hungry... so we
went to the airport... me, marilyn, ame, bin, sarah, jolene... and we ate sushi... expensive
ones... salmon belly sushis were at 1.90 per plate... and between bin and myself, we had
6 plates... and i had 2 plates of octopus sushi... and a plate of tamago sushi... bin had
some coffee icecream waffle thing... why am i counting bin's food? coz i paid for it first...
she'll pay me back... i trust her...

so tonight its relaxing time... poor xiaolong got his report book today... and he didn't
do that well for some subjects i think... so he's in a lousy mood... probably won't see him
online for the next few days... tomoro i'll have to start mugging for marketing...so much
to remember... hope i can memorise tomoro... all i know i will be craving for grass jelly drink
tomorrow morning

all strung out

answer to mystery picture... i took that picture down my pair of shorts...
its a blue pair of shorts with orange octopusssesesseses all over it! hahaha
i think only tania has seen that pair of shorts... and she called them boxers....
no prize for anyone!



ok.. din sleep well again last night... turned and flipped in bed
till 2am... and for those who know me... i need plenty of sleep... and 2plus
is just not good for me... and the reason why i couldnt sleep was
because i was daydreaming again...

if i won the $1.5m for the lottery... here's what i'd do...
1. put 500k in investments / savings
2. give 100k to mum, 100k to sis, 100k to aunt
3. buy a black mazda rx8 / nissan silvia wif red interior... preferably below 160k
4. sell this flat and upgrade to a bigger one... wif renovations... 300k
5. join a gym n get a personal trainer... 5k
6. buy a hermes clipper rubber strap... 5k
7. buy a jaeger le coutre reverso lady (for my sis)... 20k
8. bring my closest friends for a holiday at banyan tree, for a week... 15k
9. change my wardrobe... 5k
10. complete hair / face makeover... 1k
11. send my sis for driving lessons... 2k
12. get a vintage mini for my sis... 60k
13. donate to charity... 70k
14. buy new handphones for selected few... 7k
15. keep the rest in bank a/c for upkeep of vehicles...50k

makes up exactly $1.5m... how nice... imagine how my life wld change
if i had that kind of money... but that's just a fantasy... tania... i can do so much
wif $1.5m... imagine what i'd do with $21m... hahaha

back to reality... finished my medsoc notes today but seems like stuff
just don't stick in my mind... am reading them now again hopefully stuff
will stay in this empty head of mine... exams is tomoro... perhaps everything
will turn out alright...

this weekend will be spent studying for marketing... got to get the concepts
down soon... ess gra will be studied on 2nd... i noe 2 out of the 4 programs
rather ok so far... so i'll need to mug on pagemaker and freehand... the 2 programs
that i have not touched ever before this course... but we'll see how things go...

i actually typed this blog out earlier today but accidentally closed the program
becoz cmd+w and cmd+q are just so close to each other... when i tried to retrieve
the page... blogger was down... damn it.. so i juz hecked and decide to type again
later... which is now...

been living like a hermit for the past few days... since monday... i have not seem or
met any of my friends or strangers at all... heck i have barely stepped out of the house
except to run some errands and pick up lunch... usually i'm back in within the hour...
guess my new arrangement has got some effect on me.. juz stay in bed and all will
fall into place... hows that?

anyway.. the more i look at the z600.. the more i want it... its such a beautiful phone...
except nokia is coming up with a 7200 or something like that... a flip phone... but who
knows if it will end up coming to singapore or not...

but once i have gotten some cash from work... if i do get some this holiday... i'll prob
be signing up for gym membership or for the suit needed for per. comm. course in
the next semester... robinsons is having a sale but i dun have cash now... later perhaps...
maybe go back to that factory in toa payoh and get one from there... pinstripes?

but in any case... my energy level is so low these days... cld it be wat i'm eating?...
or not eating... luv rocky road ice cream... fantastic... love chivas regal... but i can't
drink now coz i promised xiaolong not to... and he's promised to not be morbid...
and he's got to see a doctor for his flu... XIAOLONG GO SEE A DOCTOR NOW...
hahahaha

i'm starting to get famous in #sgboy on irc again... haha... been making a few
acquaintances online these days.. and attracting a whole lot of attention from older
gay white men... interesting isnt it? always getting attention from the wrong crowd...

oh i also need to get presents for a granddotter and my ex gf... hopefully b4 their
birthdays... bunch of scorpios...and also to get a cd writer for junior... well if i had the
1.5m... i'll just buy a new aluminium 15" powerbook... wif super drive... but i dun...
bah

owells... back to notes and reading... pray that i pass this exams wif flying (at least
skipping) colours!

cheerios!

are you hot?

she's my favourite contestant!



Lisa from Illinois... hot!

bored!

ok.. i'm studying today... but i got bored and started taking some pictures...
anyway I re-arranged my stuff and moved to my aunt's room... so here it is...


Here's my teddy bear that I've had for 19 years... still in good condition despite
tumbling around for so long...


so this is how the area looks like now... table next to bed... good for working
and then falling asleep...


there's my messy table... doing notes for media and society...


that's my sesame street mug holding my pens and stuff...
then that's my sister's evangelion figurine...
and a picture of me and my sister...


not to forget the all important porsche model... 911 carrera 4s...


one of the 2 postcards i have next to my bed... i luv his humour...


the other postcard... just a reminder for myself...


mystery picture... can anyone tell me where this picture was taken?
prize awaits!

Jolene Siow... 14 pts

1. I like Jo.
2. Jo is neurotic.
3. Jo needs plain joy.
4. I want to smile with Jo.
5. Jo can copy my itunes songs.
6. Someday Jo will be a mother.
7. Jo reminds me of japanese anime.
8. Without Jo, ennui wld be homeless.
9. Jo can be funny.
10. Meeting Jo is a pleasure.
11. The worst thing about Jo is her melancholy.
12. The best thing about Jo is her love for god.
13. I am writing about Jo.
14. I think Jo should go into some handicraft business.

freak out!

dunno why couldn't sleep last night...
was up till 2 plus when xiaolong sms-ed me about his chinese compo...
told him to write objectively and not get engrossed in the topic... "suicide"...
he's so like me that way... my little virgo fren... haha...
i really hope he doesnt end up like me...
tats why i'm going to watch out for this kid and make sure things don't go wrong...
haha

so i dragged myself out of bed this morning at 8...
the whole night my stomach was feeling empty and i could sense gastric attack coming...
there were sharp pains in the night... ignored it and juz tried to sleep..
maybe tats y i cldnt sleep... so when i was up this morning...
no prize for guessing this... vomitted after i took a few sips of water...
ate some crackers after tat and went for ms chuah's lesson...
thankfully it did not get worked up again...

after lesson... went to bookshop to buy index cards so that i can start
my note making tomorrow... after tat followed tania wif sarah, alvin, andrew
and darren (think tats his name) to the tennis courts to watch them play tennis...
it just seems so fun... while we were waiting i tried to hit a ball to the wall...
and true to my sports-klutz curse... i hit tania instead on the neck...
i think i should come with a warning label... "Protective wear mandatory"...

now here's the freaky part... i so just attract the wrong people... or guys mainly...
i met up wif this fella who i've been corresponding wif on sgboy.com...
he's from TP business sch also... he wanted to meet up so i sed alrite... why not...
just say hi and all... so we did meet and say hi... and after juz a short hi and talk...
he smsed me "hey tall cutie!"... and i was like "uh-oh" something's not right...
then after he left.. he came back to the courts again and shouted for me...
and i was "uh-oh"... and went out and talked a little... then i sed i had to go
coz my fren leavin also... so i left wif tania... then while waitin for the bus to come...
he called and asked me where i was!... sed i was at the bus stop...
but luckily a bus came tat i cld take so i jumped on and smsed him i had to go...
n he smsed "gives lennel a little kiss"... eeeks!!!

i so gotta find someway to change my relationship luck...
can never get the ones i wan but all the ones i don't want... want me! erks!

ooh i got a new picture online.. haha www.face-pic.com/theroux

yesterdaaayyy

well as you can see the page has been updated again... yes i know
what you're thinking... "its your exams next week. why arent you studying?"
i know that too... dun feel like doing anything yet... so i'll start next week...
i promise ok?

so now blue is the theme colour... playing arnd wif layers... actually tried
to hide the blog ad up above but could not... think its on layer 0 or sumthing...
anyway... this is the new look.. blue!
oh and i want to get the hairdo that lee in blue is having... he's so cute...

moving to this room was a gd move... sleeping real well now... its so comfy...
although the bed is a little short but i can manage... haha...
its nice and cool at night... and since my aunt doesnt like the fan on her
so i'll just keep it to myself... only problem is the sitting using com part...
no back support... so i have to keep fidgeting...
its so convenient and everything's all nicely packed and arranged... happy

was looking through pictures on face-pic.com yesterday...
and happened to see the picture of my ex-bf... the evil one...
and knowing my dreaming pattern... he showed up in my dream...
so that will qualify that dream as a nightmare... hate it when
that happens...

angst-o-meter [x][x][x][x][x][x][-][-][-][-]

its up again!
probably just being by myself makes it go up...
i shall go clean up the other room later...

asked xiaolong out today but he hasnt replied yet... bad boi...
blasting metallica now... alone at home... dunno wat to do...
i shall study monday onwards... not this week...

someone from irc asked me why i like guys... i wonder why too... haha
i think it might have something to do with not being able to be who i want to be...
so i find it in others and feed off them... strange huh? dunno la...
any shrinks wanna take me up as a challenge?

i love the bass... heaaaavy

i like the new room set up... looks better... and cleaner

i need to get head and shoulders and incense today... i wan my room to smell nicer...
i love my ibook... its fantastic...

"not only do i not know the answer
i don't even know what the question is"
- metallica

kind cheryl messaged me on msn last nite... askin me how i was... so sweet of her...
in return i told her a heart wrenching story of a 16 year old boy's loss of his love...
haha

kablam

man i'm bored!

autumn cleaning?

lets see.. went to sch for med soc tutorial coz there's a presentation to be done... bin (as usual) wasn't able to prepare the transparency in advance and was furiously copying away when i reached... ame was flying arnd lookin for ms chuah to sign this form that the G.O. wants her to endorse the MC... discussion was fine... i was beaming non stop for no reason... this happiness is kinda scary... maybe i'm getting the inner peace i seek? hopefully that's the reason...

then after lesson went wif ame, marilyn and jo to kenny roger's again... as broke as i am... i juz wanted to eat a full meal and be happy... so we did... had the same set again as the last time... yummy... and this time i did not puke it all out... i actually kept my lunch... i have a strong feeling my puking is caused by stress... which means i'm not stressed now... as close as the exams might be...

returned the library book and took 81 wif ame and marilyn... jo wanted to come over to get the mahjong game but coz her sweet prince matthew came to meet her... she left with him instead... haha... expected la... he seems to have a few zits more than the picture she has on her laptop...

so when i got home... rested... watched simpsons and had dinner... and at 7... started my room arrangement thing again... and it took me 3 hrs... moved the bed in an almost impossibly tight little area... mopped the floor 4 times... out of which 3 times the pail of water turned BLACK... that's how filthy this room is... so now that the cleaning and rearranging is done... i'm waitin for sis to come back and remove her stuff from the bed here... then i can change the sheets and complete the thing...

so i'm waitin for my sis now... having a whiskey soda...which i declare my favourite drink... preferably johnnie walker wif soda... or chivas wld do... so if anyone wants to buy me a drink... its whiskey n soda and nothing else...

more quizzes

Your soul is bound to the Tenth Totem, Yen:
The Snake.

Yen appears as a vermillion colored cobra. He
embodies passion, rapture, zeal, and
desire. He is associated with the color
vermillion, the season of summer, and the
element of fire. His downfall is indulgence.

You are most compatible with Bears and White Stags.


Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

bush my asss

had a presentation this morning... so showered and wore my pink shirt and khaki pants... then left the house arnd 8... which is abt the time tat i leave usually... so there i went... managed to get on my usual bus 23... then SUDDENLY the bus DID NOT FOLLOW THE SAME ROUTE... instead of getting on the PIE to changi, it went towards macpherson... then to ubi... then to eunos... then finally got the PIE at jln eunos... crap isnt it? i ended up being late... but thankfully class hasnt started yet...

and wats the reason that the bus was diverted?
BUSH! The commander in chief had to get to the airport!

things arent goin right again...
i hate it when things go bad when u think you're getting out of a slump... don't you?

Dear God,

I know you are listening, but I don't think I can speak about what's going wrong with me. I know there's something eating away inside me and I have refused to go face it and fight it. Tania has told me that I should let you back into my heart and fill up the void. At least that's what I think she's been trying to tell me. Its difficult for me to accept things that I cannot see or feel.

I remember I spoke to you before, when I was feeling real down. I also remember asking for your help when I saw my dad on his death bed, unable to recognise his own wife and children. Then I got lost again. I remember how I cried at church that night. I remember how comfortable I felt in the serenity of the church. I also remember how much pain I've felt these few years.

I know I'm a spoilt brat and all when I don't get the stuff that I want. I know I'm bitter about the past because of the betrayal and the lies that I've had to suffer from. I know I have unresolved issues with my dad's passing on. I know I've ruined myself by over controlling my emotions, to the point that I just laugh at everything and block everything else.

I was sitting in the canteen with the others yesterday. It was so noisy. I just wanted to get away from all the noise, and hear the final silence. I couldn't stand the noise. I just wanted to leave everything and disappear. I couldn't because I know I have work to be done.

I think I saw your messages, those television commercials about depression. I also had the strangest dream last night. I was a slave and being tortured. I think that might be me telling myself that I'm a slave to my own doings. Maybe it was you who was trying to tell me that.

I accept my own punishment for my sins. I accept having to feel all miserable for all that I'm putting myself into. I'm not sure how you do what you do, nor why you do what you do. I don't even know what you want me to do. I am trying to resolve the issues that I have. I do not want to accept help from other people because I know I can fix things myself. I know that after what I've been through, I can get on even furthur with what I've learnt.

I like to help others but I can't help myself. I can listen and offer advice and answers to other people's problems, but never to myself. I don't want to be jaded anymore. I want to have faith in love again. I want to love my family, my friends, you and myself again.

So I'm writing this hoping that you do have the internet up there. I'm asking for something again. Please forgive me for being myself, my blasphemous words, my sinful acts, and whatever I've done. I pray that you'll give me peace inside, so that I can hear my own words, and you, again. Please allow me that.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Lennel

tv case

haha... i'm a television case...
do u drink too much... do u lose appetite... do u lose interest in things...
hahahaha
i'm exactly what they are trying to describe as suffering from DEPRESSION!
hahahahahaha

juz had chivas and soda
lovely

uploaded claudia's page online but it doesn't really work on geocities... have to fix the sourve... bastard geocities screws up the source and all... will have to resize coz its too big... hahahahaha...

ooh showing forbidden city on tv now! from the last run... with adrian pang acting as prince tun...
i love the show!

Guilty

I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty

I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy (be the other guy)
I never wanted to live a lie

If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty

Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
Then I'm guilty

What am I supposed to do
Then I'm guilty
All I wanna do is speak my mind
Gulity
Then I'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my hearts a crime
I'm Guilty

*mumble mumble*

a 3 way tie... how stupid

See what Care Bear you are.


See what Care Bear you are.


See what Care Bear you are.

clinically depressed?

juz had chivas... no fucking effect whatsoever... so fucked up... fucking pissed with so many things... but there's nothing to be fucked up about... feeling so fucking screwed... everyone's so fucking shallow.... everyone's a fucking hypocrite... fucked up world... fucked up country... fucked up society... fucked up morals... fuck LOVE...fucked up weather... fucked up education system... fucked up acquaintances... fucked up RELATIONSHIPS... fucked up liars... fucking bastards... fucked up past... fucked up future... fucked up laws... fucked up sex drive... fuck LOVE...fucked up friendster... fucked up fridae... fucked up sgboy... fucked up emode... fucked up nerve.... fucked...fucked up religions... fucked up clerics... fucked up commandments... fucked up leaders... fucked up doctrines... fucked...fucked up guys... fucked up girls... fucked up men... fucked up women... fucked up fetishes... fuck LOVE...fucked up world... fucked up country... fucked up society... fucked up morals... fuck LOVE...fucked up weather... fucked up education system... fucked up acquaintances... fucked up RELATIONSHIPS... fucked up liars... fucking bastards... fucked up past... fucked up future... fucked up laws... fucked up sex drive... fuck LOVE...fucked up friendster... fucked up fridae... fucked up sgboy... fucked up emode... fucked up nerve.... fucked...fucked up religions... fucked up clerics... fucked up commandments... fucked up leaders... fucked up doctrines... fuck LOVE...fucked up guys... fucked up girls... fucked up men... fucked up women... fucked up fetishes... fucked...fucked up world... fucked up country... fucked up society... fucked up morals... fuck LOVE...fucked up weather... fucked up education system... fucked up acquaintances... fucked up RELATIONSHIPS... fucked up liars... fucking bastards... fucked up past... fucked up future... fucked up laws... fucked up sex drive... fuck LOVE...fucked up friendster... fucked up fridae... fucked up sgboy... fucked up emode... fucked up nerve.... fuck LOVE...fucked up religions... fucked up clerics... fucked up commandments... fucked up leaders... fucked up doctrines... fuck LOVE...fucked up guys... fucked up girls... fucked up men... fucked up women... fucked up fetishes... fucked...fucked up world... fucked up country... fucked up society... fucked up morals... fuck LOVE...fucked up weather... fucked up education system... fucked up acquaintances... fucked up RELATIONSHIPS... fucked up liars... fucking bastards... fucked up past... fucked up future... fucked up laws... fucked up sex drive... fuck LOVE...fucked up friendster... fucked up fridae... fucked up sgboy... fucked up emode... fucked up nerve.... fucked...fucked up religions... fucked up clerics... fucked up commandments... fucked up leaders... fucked up doctrines... fuck LOVE...fucked up guys... fucked up girls... fucked up men... fucked up women... fucked up fetishes... fucked...

i'm fucked.
so fucked up.
my mind's fucked up.

Big 5

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||	36%
Introverted	||||||||||||||||	64%
Friendly	||||||||||||||	56%
Aggressive	||||||||||||	44%
Orderly	||||||||||||||	54%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	46%
Relaxed	||||||||||	32%
Emotional	||||||||||||||||	68%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||	52%
Practical	||||||||||||	48%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Extroversion results were moderately low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.

Friendliness results were moderately high which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious.

Emotional Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.

Intellectualness results were medium which suggests you are moderately creative, original, curious, and imaginative.

Overall, you scored highest on Friendliness and lowest on Emotional Stability.

yadda yadda blah blah

k... din blog yesterday so shall make it up today...

went over to claudia's place to help start her off on her poetry website... will probably be doing it later... she's got some pretty gd poems written... will have to find pictures to go with the poems... then put it together... maybe it'll be up by this week... hopefully...

so spent a good deal of my saturday there... then on my way home went to get for mummy wasabi... she's kinda addicted after trying it out the other night while i was eating the sushi... then got a can of carlsberg and more sushi... ha... on my way to the bus stop bumped into marilyn and her fren... they were tryin to get to far east plaza... so came home and drank my beer, stuffed my face and surfed a little and did the page up a little more... *headache coming now*

sis got frm her fren who is returning to malaysia, a bottle of chivas... have stashed it underneath my table... bwahahahaha... shall have it tonight... i think i'm starting to have a drinking issue... but its all under control...

woke up today arnd noon with this pain in my chest... think its heartburn again... drank some water... backed up my stuff from the ibook... freed up some space... then ate lunch... then am here now doing this...

100 things i hate about me

100 thingamajigs about lennel

1. Full name: lennel tan kian liang
2. Hobbies: singing, listening to music, web design, drinking, making jokes, being silly, being depressive
3. Eyes: brown
4. Height: 188 (dun go fwah so tall...)
5. Hair: dark brown
6. Siblings: baby sister @ 19
7. Do u like to sing in the shower?: all the time
8. Do u like to sing in The Toilet? : no...i read
9. Birthday: 20th sept '80
10. Sign: virgo
11. Email: aelius@singnet.com.sg
12. Sex: very seldom... but male if you are asking about GENDER
13. Righty or lefty: Right-winged? right handed
14. What do you want in a relationship most?: honesty, care, laughter
15. Have you ever cheated on someone?: ya...1ce in junior college
16. Marital status: single but not looking
17. Do you have a car?: i've got the license. and a 1:18 porsche 911 carrera 4s
18. What kinda car do you have/want to own: first=audi A3 / old vw beetle eventually=porsche 911 cabrio
19. Movies: seldom watch
20. Songs: one last cry, to where you are,
21. Singer: no specific
22. TV Show: boomtown, friends
23. Actor: de niro, al pacino, gabriel byrnes
24. Actress: maggie cheung
25. Food: meat, salmon sushi
26. Number: 0
27. Cartoons: gensomaden saiyuki, simpsons, futurama, spongebob squarepants
28. Disney Character: nil
29. Colour: black, brown, silver, red
30. Do you plan on having children: undecided
31. Do you want to get married: undecided
32. How old do u wanna be when you have your first child: n/a
33. How old do u wanna be when you're married: n/a
34. Would you have kids before marriage: n/a
35. Do you have a b/f or g/f : nil
36. Have you received any flowers: no
37. Do you have a crush: yes
38. Music/TV? Or (pick which one you prefer) : music tv
39. Guys/Girls: i'm greedy
40. Green/Blue: green
41. Pink/Purple: pink
42. Summer/Winter: autumn la
43. Night/Day: early morning or late night
44. Hangin Out/Chillin: chillin wif ma bitches
45. Do you club?: take a stick and whack
46. Weird saying I have: ??
47. What school do u go to?: TP
48. Have you ever taken drugs?: is panadol a drug?
49. What's a major turn on for you?: nice ass, beautiful eyes, great smile
50. How far would you go on a first date?: kiss on the forehead to say gdnite
51. The PERSON you know who is... Most Blonde: kate hudson?
52. Which 6 people do you trust and are open with the most?: claudia and terrence
53.What do you think of soul mates?: there's one for everyone
54. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf?: no
55. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about?: i'm having problems not being able to cry, its way overdue
56.What's something about guys/girls you don't get?: how a girl feels about me
57. Are you happy?: are u?
58. How do you measure happiness?: when everything in the world looks beautiful
9. Plain or colourful: plain
60. Love or lust: love... but the world is filled with lust
61. Silver or gold: platinum
62. Diamond or pearl: Diamonds
63. Sun set or sunrise?: Sunrise
64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping (to swim in the nude): not yet
65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: my teddy since 1984
66. Do you have any piercings?: 0
67. What colour underpants are you wearing?: now? nil
68. What song are you listening to right now?:lunar landings - kalliope
69. What are the last four digits of your phone number?: 6293 (same as the first 4 number of my home number)
70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon?: maldives
71. What kind of games do you play: mind games... or scrabble
72. What's your favourite sport?: walking
73. What kind of portable music players would you get: a bose car stereo in a car
74. What makes you happy?: to lie in someone's embrace... or embrace the one i love
75. What's the next cd/s you're gonna get/buy?:justified?
76. What will be your future occupation: ad executive
77. What's the best advice given to you?: dun cry and maybe some girl will like u
78. Have you ever won any special awards?: err.. i won beyonce's album?
79. What are your future goals?: porsche 911 before age 50
80. Worst sickness u ever had?: food poisoning
81. funny/scary movies?: funny i suppose
82. On the phone or in person?: person of course
83. Wine?: '99 cabernet sauvignon
84. What song seems to reflect you the most?: creep... radiohead
85. If you die tomorrow who would u leave everything to?: my sister
86. Do u have any enemies? a few
87. What is your greatest fear?: unloved
88. Would you rather be rich or famous?: rich
89. What time is it in Albania now?: time to find out what time is it in singapore
90. You ever been in love?: maybe
91. Have u met Santa?: santa na?
92. E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign asking to use your phone?: preserve him in a bottle of brine and fly to roswell to sell at the alien convention
93. When was the last time you talked to the person that you like: friday
94. Do u have any pets?: no
95. Preferred pet: a cat or a lazy dog
96. What is the time now?: 920pm
97. Describe a little abt yourself: criminally insane, clinically depressed
98. Who sent this to you?: i copied it off marilyn's site
99. What do you think of this person: kawaii ne
100. Do u want your friends to write back? why not?

its tiger time

having a beer now
belching like a mad man... hahaha... its so good to drink and relax and just surf surf surf...
and as u can see i've updated my page now... tidied it up a little...

handed up the last of the projects today... feeling half relieved... half worried abt the results...
i have no idea how it will turn out... but it shud be ok... at least a B shud be fine... but fuck it

1 n half week to exams...
i'll start next week...
in the mean time i'll try to get cheery again...
everyone's so gloomy these days...
its like doomsday prelude...

stuffed

yes i stormed out of home... and went over to nicholas' to get away... talked wif him.... felt a little better....

came home... ate... then demanded that i wanted to eat sushi... so mum, lynn and i went to united square to take a walk... dear sister of mine bought me sushi... we tot tat each one was 1.20 so she ordered 6 salmon sushi and 4 ebiko sushi... ended up that 1.20 gets 2 sushis... so we had 12 salmon and 8 ebiko.... two huge boxes... mum tot we weren't able to finish...

so we came home... and i sat down to gorge myself... i shud do that more... ate 10 of the salmon sushi in one sitting.. non stop... then had asahi beer... mum has a few... lynn finished up the remainder ebiko... mum kept adding wasabi and i keep telling her its going to choke... but she said.. ok la... or else got fishy smell...so she happy had 2 packets of wasabi... and got choked twice... har har... but she's been havin spicy stuff all her life so i guess it nothing to her...

so now i'm a little intoxicated and filled wif salmon sushi... even my burps smell of salmon... ha

i wonder what mood will i have tomorrow...

zippy applechunks!

finally finished my marketing project and final gdf designs.... that's the last of the projects... time to start planning for revision...

my mood just started crashing today... was alright at start... then it got worse during lecture... i was half listening and half thinking about how to improve my ad campaign... its bumped into my head... then becoz we had so little people coming for the lecture plus the lecture itself was short... we just finished and went for coffee...

by the time we got to medsoc class... i was already sinking into depression... the rest of the mini class didn't read the moodles stuff abt checking out the benetton website... so we had to postpone it to next week... anyway... we had grp to mr d talks abt our presentation... got an A so fine about it...

we went thru our mkting plan after tat... edited here and there... marilyn, ness and bin came together to do the last bit of the conclusion... then left it to me to tidy it up and put everything in order... at this pt i was starting the destructive thing again and shutting off...

got home... ate... finished GDF... finished the marketing... i'll let them check through again...printed it out anyway... hopefully no mistakes... i have a bad feeling about the plan... somehow i think we're not going to get the A that we want... dunno...

need to destress NOW NOW NOW
i think i'll go out.

3 regrets

i know you. you've have had 3 regrets.

you knew her before she became you're classmate's girlfriend.
you didn't really find her attractive then but that's alright.
you talked to her till the wee hours. you've never done that before.
you found so much in common with her.
you thought she was such a fantastic girl.
you knew for sure her voice was the sexiest you've ever heard.
you just wished she was yours.
she just chose to be with him.
you never knew why she did.
you just tried to let it go, and you did.
she's gone.

she was unattainable.
she's the prize of many man's eyes.
she's intelligent, charming, beautiful and eloquent.
she's deeply passionate about life.
you thought she would make a perfect lifetime companion.
you thought you had some connection with her.
you never knew that it was just an illusion.
you set it up yourself.
you had to let it go again.
you did.

she's so different from the others.
she's like sunshine that you've never seen.
she's forever beaming in your life.
you know its not right.
you know its not possible.
you just choose to keep it inside.
you would rather torment yourself with this secret.
let it fester and eat you from within.
you'd rather let her be and hope that she's happy.

you keep yourself working.
you keep yourself talking to others.
you keep telling yourself this is what you want.
you keep telling yourself you hate love.
you keep telling yourself to love hate.
you said that love didn't come for you.
you left with hate.
your life will only have hate left.

the mud is settling

k... i'm slowly settling down... either that or i've burnt myself out...
feelings are still ther but i'm just drowning myself with work... arranged and wrote out the marketing plan... asked cousin lynne to vet thru it and she very kindly made some very good comments and alterations for me... then worked my way through my advert campaign designs just now... decided to make everything simple... type type type... printed everything out and filed it up ready for submission...

going to help claudia with her website on saturday... maybe even do up her wireless network... see how la... good to be fully occupied!

time to write a story again!

omigosh its so true!

Your love nature is sentimental, romantic and
kind. Your easygoing, mild manner allows almost
everyone to feel very comfortable with you -
especially shy guys/gals. Your modesty and tact
enable you to get along easily with both sexes.
You're a natural peacemaker and can be very
persuasive with words, which helps you to gain
the respect of your classmates. You can also be
too sensitive at times, and your greatest
drawback is a lack of confidence to stand up for
yourself in conflict. Your favorite type of
guy/gal is a gentle, affectionate one who is
also strong and playful. A great sense of humor
is also a must. A guy/gal who loves to listen to
music and dance should rank high on your list of
favorites, too.

i should just kill myself

can't get what i want
can't love what i love
i should just shoot myself in my head

all i need is a gun

bisexual fantasies

if its a he...
he's a few years older than me (prob between 3-7 years older)... he's matured... loving... gentle... refined... he plays the piano... he has got beautiful eyes that i can stare at forever... he comes home and we cook dinner together... he loves to hear me sing and i love to sing to his piano playing... he strokes my hair while i rest my head on his toned lap... listening to soothing jazz music... in the candlelight... he likes to snuggle up... he always smells good... he doesn't have a temper.. he dotes on me...hahahaha

if its a she...
she's around my age (+ or - 5 or 6 years, age doesnt really matter)... she's funloving... she's energetic... she can be gentle and docile too... she loves to cook... she's got the most beautiful eyes and long hair... she's got the greatest smile in the world... i pick her up from work and we go home and cook together... she doesn't complain when i go offkey... she likes to rest hear head on my lap while i run my fingers thru her hair... planting soft kisses on her hand while we just relax and do nothing... we love to snuggle up in bed on a rainy day... cuddle up under a thick comforter and just talk and talk... maybe read a little... i dote on her... hahahaha

sushi

i wan to learn how to make salmon sushi... whoever reads this and knows how to please leave or comment or sumthing... or email me at aelius@singnet.com.sg.... wld be best if u're japanese so i can learn how to make authentic salmon sushi...

ever wondered why there arent any "young global hotshots" in singapore? coz we're all chicken... and we have no opportunities... or dare to go for those opportunities... right?

anyway... finally got ALL the websites in and put them all together and saved them on the CDR so tat we can submit tomoro... its been a tedious job... had to do some editing 'ere and there... so troublesome.. but i hope everyone does well... depends on how mr toh will grade us... whether strictly or not.... we'll have to wait and see....

i want to eat something now... i crave sushi...

i'm still contemplating writing my stupid love/hate relationships history here... hahaha

stAnger

FUCK IT ALL AND NO REGRETS
I HIT THE LIGHTS ON THESE DARK SETS
I NEED A VOICE TO LET MYSELF
TO LET MYSELF GO FREE
FUCK IT ALL AND FUCKING NO REGRETS
I HITE THE LIGHTS ON THESE DARK SETS
MEDALLION NOOSE, I HANG MSELF
ST ANGER 'ROUND MY NECK

I'M MADLY IN ANGER WITH YOU

AND I WANT MY ANDER TO BE HEALTHY
AND I WANT MY ANGER JUST FOR ME
AND I NEED MY ANGER NOT TO CONTROL
AND I WANT MY ANGER TO BE ME

AND I NEED TO SET MY ANGER FREE

SET IT FREE

prisms

Clouds moved across the last visible stars. It would rain later, and in the morning there would be puddles on the parking lots. Each would contain a splash of oil, a small prism.

The puddle would seem to hold an imprisoned rainbow, and would worry about all the disappointed and unfortunate and confused who had made wishes on that particular rainbow and how those wishes would now go undelivered.

i'm wanted

ok... my stomach is crazy! eat breakfast puke... dun eat breakfast also puke... puke puke puke.... i shud call myself pukazoid or pukamon... puke puke puke...

anyway... funny things have been happening.... pple are starting to send me hearts via fridae since i changed my picture... i've even got pple saying i look great or i'm cute... gosh...tats flattering... hahaha.. but i bet they just want to get into my pants... think someone is trying to get close wif me now... haha... but too bad i'm not interested in a relationship at the moment...

called james up to have dinner... supposed to meet at 8... then he suddenly cancelled at 750... luckily the bus i was on stopped near my place... so i got off and bought dinner and came home... then i got crazy... i shaved... in more places than 1... dun ask where... juz know its very breezy now... think polar bear after using hair removal cream... chills baby... chills...

i'm going crazy these days... much like the crazed jilted lover... crazy baby! crazy!
haha...

i've decided... i hate to love... i love to hate... i shall hate lovers... and love haters??? hahahaha

i dun need a relationship unless its someone very special... whom i can now juz watch and wonder... will i ever be the one... but knowing me, never.... hahahahaahahahahahahahaaha

drinks are on the house!

poison apple for thought?

allo...

who was the first marketing executive?
where was the first prime estate?
who was the first surrogate mother?
who were the first nudists?
who was the first government?
what positive trait does the devil have? (tania's qn for me)

vomit vomit

incredible thing happened... i was chatting on irc... then happened to see this gorgeous guy's picture so i started to chat with him... and then i showed him my picture... and guess what? he think i look too young! this is the first ever incident when someone thinks i look young! my gosh! how can anyone think i look young? but its good that i look young...

i'm sitting on level 6 of sch right now... on the couch... battery 70% left... tania is charging hers on the left side... i just vomitted a few times... at TM after we ate at kenny rogers... twice into plastic bags... i need to get my stomach fixed somehow...

ok.. this morning i skipped the stupid mediation talk coz i think its ridiculous... then came to sch arnd 10... went to the lecture theatre and set up for our presentation... i think we blew them away wif the shocking videos... but we lost marks for the time management part because we actually prepared for 30mins but only a few days back they cut it down to 15mins... sucks... we got a B for our paper... we think it fell short of what we expected but i think its alright... we still have got a magazine version of the paper that comes with the presentation so that will come tomorrow coz ame's printer died...

found my long lost didi online last night... he's in shatec now... good for him... he's been in a relationship for 4 years.. gosh... tats so long... but tats alright i guess... i dun think i can ever go past 2.5years... and tat was already a torture for me... think i'm a loner... am i?

damn its hot today...

tewweetwubbees

i am drowning in work... which is good... coz it takes my mind off things... but its just letting the anger grow inside... now my moods are getting even more violent... which is bad... i just stared at the kitchen knife for a long time... yay... i'm suicidal again?... maybe la...

*goes to kitchen to turn off the stove... boiling water...*

juz killed a mosquito... i hate mosquitoes...


i want somebody to share share the rest of my life share my innermost thoughts know my intimate details someone who'll stand by my side and give me support and in return she'll get my support she will listen to me when i want to speak about the world we live in and life in general though my views may be wrong they may even be perverted she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagree but at the end of it all she will understand me... i wan somebody who cares for me passionately wif every thought and wif every breathe someone who'll help me see things in a different light all the things i detest i will almost like i don't wan to be tied to anyone's strings i'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things but when i'm asleep i wan somebody who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly though things like this make me sick in a case like this i'll get away with it...

i'm not lonely... i'm just singing my thoughts...

i just thought today... i might not want to get married if she doesn't ever come along... i thought its 3rd time lucky but the 3rd girl that i thought will make me happy just slipped away... in the case that the 4th never appears... i will just have to find a way to get a genetically engineered son... bring him up... teach him to drive... meet his girlfriend or boyfriend... his choice... pay for the wedding... then drive my porsche into the sea... lovely future all planned out... think i won't die at 50 like some of friends who want to... i want to live a full life... i want to go to new york, scotland, paris, greece, maybe even turkey... i dun mind doing it alone but it wld be nice if there's somebody...

somebody...

my lifestyle determines my deathstyle

as you can see now, the change has occurred... i've edited my blog design... not by copying from others... not by using some skins or watever... i have done this from scratch... so ess gra class isnt that useless afterall *like wat some may think*...

my sis got me metallica's st anger... good shit... been listening to it over and over again... feeds my anger... shall listen to it when i'm travelling to sch... instead of those sissies on the radio raving about why men should wash their wives' underwear... or what kind of sanitary pads to buy...

"frantic tick tick tick tick tick tick tock"

anyway... took off the shoutbox coz its not used that often... and there's the comments function instead... plus the design just couldn't fit into the page now...

did our group's medsoc presentation... it really looks like a satanic initiation presentation... plus i added a really really unexpected group foto at the end of the presentation... shall see their reactions tomorrow... waiting for the mp3s to come in so i can edit it and put into the presentation... the fonts cant seem to be embedded in powerpoint v.X so i guess we'll have to edit on the spot... listening to black sabbath now so i can put the sound clip in...

infinite waste of time

met up with donald yesterday to go shopping for stuff... bought a black shirt from "playboy" that did not have buttons... had velcro instead... seems like something the full monty wld require... bought a new pair of berms since prince mauled my favourite pair... got it from 77th street this time round... then went to clarke quay and got a tie for 4.90... quite a nice colour... the sort that changes colour when seen from different angles... signed this petition thingie for the dolphins... i hope its not some illegal thing... since they managed to get a permit to do it at heeren then it should be alright... had dinner at liang court foodcourt.. went to eat the dory fillet rice... nice as usual... then came home since it started to rain again... seems like when i'm with donald it keeps raining...

today... din do anything... was supposed to meet nicholas but didn't... slept thru the morning again... then compiled the journalism stuff... designed a template for med soc presentation which looked like a presentation slide for initiation into the church of satan... then slept... then woke up... then re-themed the blog... tats one thing i wan to do... shoot myself in the head...

fun thing.. my old classmate and bro robbie found me on friendster.. he looks older now... losing his super boyish look... cld be the hairdo though... har har

not fun thing... feeling extremely angry inside that i just want to burst out... but cant so i'm taming it down with cognac now... hope it works.. then i'll take my melatonin and go to sleep...

i am an angry person

fucked ok? i'm totally fuck up now.
i am bloody fucked up by whatever is happening.
its not sleep coz i sleep.
its not medication cause i'm not any.
its not the work coz i am doing them.
its not the alcohol coz its never done anything.
i hate the sun.
i hate the light.
i hate the fucking corridor lighting outside my room.
i hate the stupid idiots on tv debating in mandarin.
i hate being broke.
i hate having feelings for people.
i hate responsibilities.
i hate indebtedness.
i hate travelling on public transport.
i fucking hate banglas.
i hate small rooms.
i hate my room.
i hate my clothes.
i hate my body.
i hate people who fuck up the truth and twist it around.
i hate shirkers.
i hate journalism.
i hate exams.
i hate noisy children.
i hate malaysia.
i hate al qaeda.
i hate bush.
i hate hot weather.
i hate cold weather.
i hate bitches.
i hate poseurs.
i hate hypocrites.
i hate politics.
i hate keeping my emotions to myself.
i hate sappy emotions.
i hate emoting.
i hate hating.
i hate myself really.
i hate to die.
i hate to live.
i hate being powerless.
i hate noise.
i hate crowds.
i hate lunatics.
i hate having feelings.
i just hate.

class foto

i know you.

there she is again. i know you're looking. you just like to look and dream. that's what you always do. its a habit of yours. if you don't dream, you cannot live. dreaming is all you do these days. you refuse to live in reality. you would rather just dream and dream and dream at something that you know shouldn't be yours. you like the taste of sour grapes don't you? i know you.

is she who you want? what you want? you can never make your mind up. we all tell you its wrong. don't you understand its wrong? you felt this way before. remember her? and her? you got close, but never close enough to find out whether they were the right ones. you ended up broken. and now you might just go that way again. you know how you will get broken up into pieces again. don't you know it yourself? i know you.

you. you. you. stupid you. do you expect to be happy again? after what you've been through? you'll just be a sad sad person from now on. it suits you. you look better with that sad intense look. you know. the underachiever with no luck. it makes everyone else around you look better. don't try to get happy or you'll get hurt. understand? i know you.

then again why not get hurt again? fuck those eyes and mouths around. you only live once. everyone does. one day perhaps you should go to her and tell her. life isn't about losing everything. life is about winning everything. you want to win everything and everyone. besides, what have you got to lose. go run into the wall for all i care. you'll just stand up and do it again. you have done it before and you'll do it again. i know you.

sleep sleep sleep

i have no idea why i'm getting all tired these days so easily... could be the screwed up sleep cycle... i really need to get a room of my own that's dark and cool... i take naps in the afternoon which makes me end up sleeping at almost 1... then i wake up early... go to school... then end up getting all sleepy early in the afternoon... and the vicious cycle continues...

i guess i'm loosening up a little with regards to my moods... getting bitchy again... tat's pretty alright i guess... but i just don't feel good... i just keep pushing myself into depression again...maybe i just feel better when i'm not... huh?

importing my cds into junior right now... i might as well bring them around in soft copy coz i dun bother to listen to cds these days... its either radio on handphone or just listen to the laptop mp3s... i wouldn't know how to live without junior now... its junior everyday... horrid isn't it?

i think i'll write a story after this...

day two...

ok... had mkting tutorial today... got an A+ for my overall grade for marketing journals... tot it wld be a crappy score... not bad... we did the PR thingie for volkswagen touareg in class... i think my ideas was boring the hell out of everyone in class... probably no one knew what i was talking about... ah wells...

then came the break.. had lunch... sat down to do some web editing again... then the thoughts came and went and bah... then had medsoc lecture with soonsoon... not so boring... well the topic was very dry coz it was just repeating alot of stuff from journalism...

then i came home... ate... rested a little while... bought a bottle of baron's... started drinking it... then started on my page again... started around 5plus and worked non stop till 10... and i have finally finished everything for my page... and also the navigation for the whole project... i think i'm just drowning myself in work to avoid thinking again... which is good? i guess it could be or i'll just start finding someone else to fall in love with all over again... which is not good i guess... horrid.... bad bad habit of mine... hahaha... i shouldn't laugh at it...